Evil Alien Kitty

I currently live with a cat that might be an alien. I'm not kidding. Her eyes are bright green and in the sun her pupils go into little thin vertical slits that are disturbing as fuck, I kid you not. I apologize for the profanity, but how does no one else notice that this cat looks quite profoundly evil unless she has giant pupils that give her the illusion of innocence? Her sun-eyes also look like that of an alien. Or a snake. Neither are things I'd want in my home. Well, maybe if it was a cool alien, like Worf. I'd like Worf in my home.

I am not deceived by her cute demur attitude and tiny stature. I know that when everyone went home for Christmas, and the angel was left on top of the tree, someone was responsible for her unsafe plummet to her doom. I'm guessing her name starts with a T and ends with okyo.

I give you exhibit A)

Isn't that scary?

Now, in all honesty, I couldn't begin to guess how this cat managed to scale the tree and stalk the angel at the top, but... stop and picture her trying for a moment. I can imagine her hanging off the tree, stretching toward her saintly prey... if anyone could manage such a feat, it would be Tokyo. Now, how she managed to do so without knocking ANY other ornaments off the tree, I'll never know.

I long ago decided that the best way to address a house pet is as a sentient being who might be capable of understanding you. My problem with Tokes (her nickname), is not that I think she's a stupid cat who doesn't understand me, my problem is that I think she does. I think she understands a lot of what's going on, but she chooses not to behave accordingly; or worse, she intentionally sabotages a situation.

Exhibit B) The Proposal

So Tokyo is my roommate Chloe's cat. Chloe loves her a lot, as does her fiance Blake (who I stole this photo from. Thanks Blake). Back in November, Blake decided to enlist Tokyo's help in proposing to Chloe. Seriously? Would you trust THAT cat? With an engagement ring?! Well... he did. Blake and Tokyo practiced several times in order to get it right. Blake would leave the room, and come back in a bit, to find Tokyo sitting on the bed, looking up at him, wearing the ring. Of course, when the time came for Chloe to come to the door with Blake, Tokyo bolted. They had to chase her around the house to get the ring back so that Blake could properly propose. That cat knew exactly what was going on, and she had sabotage in her heart.

She wants you to think she's stupid, but make no mistake. The second you underestimate this cat, she will prove you all kinds of wrong. And not in a good way. The smart thing to do is maintain a healthy awareness of her capacity for destruction and her constant plotting of vengeance for imaginary wrongs. And, just as a precautionary measure, plot yourself some kitty vengeance as well. The best way to emotionally defeat a cat is to think like a cat. Unless she's an alien. Then I'm likely screwed.