void

Some days
blend, endless
like unset ink
bleeding hours minutes seconds
into one unit of time
mind drifts
and
swells
in
the

void

I be Hatin'.

As you might have noticed (or, if you managed not to, colour me shocked), yesterday was February 14th, Valentine's day. As a child, I always kind of liked Valentine's day. You got to make pretty little mailbox crafts in school, and you'd get fun cards from the kids in your class. Valentine's was an outpouring of love. It was, of course artificial love, and even back then, centered around the expectation that you'd give cards to receive them. But, I didn't mind. The point was, back then, everyone was included, even the odd kid in your class who never said a word and picked his nose a lot. Even he got a card that said 'I like you!' So what if it was lies?

As we age, however, Valentine's stops being inclusive. It becomes a day that is to be celebrated with a significant other, or alone with a pint of Haagen Daas (or a bottle of tequila for the true lonely hearts). Valentine's becomes a contrived observance steeped in expectation once you reach a certain age. For those who are single, it is a reminder of thus. For those who are coupled, men have an expectation to perform, (and not in the enjoyable way), and (some) women feel entitled to their one day a year flowers and chocolates. For serious? This is how we express love?

In high school, my sis Michelle and I decided that this whole day was balls. One V-day, I made her a card, that said "Happy Two Cool Sisters Day!" (proving just how nerdy we really were). Every year thereafter, we still wish each other a Happy Two Cool Sisters day. My sister is married, and she still refuses to celebrate Valentine's day. This makes me proud.

The thing is, I really love love. I adore everything about it. I love seeing expressions of love, and the way people who are truly in love interact with each other. I am by no means a bitter single person. I am full of happiness and pleasure and joy. My Auntie Doriann's birthday happens to also be valentine's day, and her partner wrote her a song, and posted it on facebook for all to see. I love that. I love seeing two people I adore joining their lives together; I love seeing people who after 40 years together, like my parents, are still totally happy and in love. It makes me so happy to see people become stronger, better-off people because they have that positive force in their life. I just honestly feel like Valentine's day doesn't celebrate love, it celebrates the expectation of what love should be. People who are in love are lucky, and in my opinion, every day is their day. There is absolutely nothing more sublime than the feeling of being in love. As my older sister K says: "Love is my favourite drug".

Maybe my hate-on for Valentine's day is actually born of my love of love, and I hate seeing something so amazing corrupted by this red and pink teddy bear heart chocolate long stem roses crap that gets vomited over everything for the first few weeks of February. If you love someone, and you want to get them a gift to show them that, by all means go for it. But, please, make it something that is actually of meaning to them, rather than one of these clichés that are so horribly overdone.

The last several years (whether or not I was in a relationship), I've made a point of spending Valentine's day with my friends. I've had Valentines with 8 people over pitchers and wings, Valentines that have turned into kitchen dance parties lubricated by excessive amounts of tequila, Valentines at the movies watching a slasher horror flick, and this year, I had a nice Valentine's with my roomie, working out and making a nice dinner together, followed by crochet and House. I love celebrating love, you see. I just don't like being told how to do it.

Yesterday, I got a message from my ex, wishing me a happy V.D. I wrote back, and said "Happy Venereal Disease to you, too!" And then I laughed.

Thoughts on the Bullying Question

For several months now, bullying has been prevalent in the media in

a way that it really hadn't been before. After several gay teens in the United States committed suicide as a result of bullying, a national level discussion emerged around the damage of bullying and the lofty notion of zero tolerance. Largely, the focus of the discussion was about victim impact, and in some cases looked at the larger question of a culture that turned a blind eye to the exploitation and abuse of gay youth. Dan Savage, of the brilliant and internationally syndicated advice column, 'Savage Love', started the 'It Gets Better" campaign, promising youth to keep pushing through and things will improve. It was inspiring, moving and touching and gathered the support of people in the public eye across the US, right up to the President.

During this high profile discussion of bullying, there has been very little talk about the bullies themselves. What makes a bully? And, is it a simple 'white hats/black hats' type of affair? Through my work, I

am exposed to daily discussions about bullying. These discussions talk about three groups of kids: the bullies, the victims, and the bystanders. Its often easiest to focus on one side of the coin, rather than another. I started thinking about writing this entry after watching Sunday night's Glee episode, the much hyped post-Superbowl episode. Typically, when Glee has a really hyped up episode, it tends to disappoint me. The Superbowl episode, however, did something quite unexpected that made me incredibly impressed and moved: they humanized the bully.

Its so easy on television shows to make these things appear to be simple. Kurt, the spunky, opinionated openly gay glee club member was tormented by Karovsky, the closeted teenage bully. Its easy to say, 'Karovsky bad, Kurt good'. Of course Kurt is good, and of course Karovsky's actions were bad. Kurt felt so endangered and terrified at school every day that he ended up transferring to another school. However, in the most recent episode, instead of continuing to vilify Karovsky, the show had teachers attempting to support, encourage, and include him. Student leaders followed suit. Instead of allowing further division, they showed that through support and inclusion, people can channel their frustrations into something more productive. While they had a breakthrough moment with Karovsky (who secretly is good at the song and dance glee routine), I thought the ending was much more realistic. It didn't end happily with Karovsky wanting to join the glee club, it ended with him denying his enjoyment of glee, and focused on his desire to maintain his social status, and not appear 'gay'. "I'm on top right now, why would I want to change anything?"

Today, in the Globe and Mail, there was an article about how popular kids are most likely to be bullies. What was most surprising to me about this was that it was news at all. I was a victim of bullying in school, and it was never done by a socially marginalized kid. It was ALWAYS the same group of girls who thought they had the right to degrade and humiliate other classmates who they considered 'less than'. To me, its interesting looking back that it never remotely occurred to me to say anything to anyone about it. Fear of reprisal for being a 'narc' was far greater than a desire for a bully to get suspended for a few days. Eventually, my own social status climbed to the point that I was no longer an appropriate/easy target. I would defend myself, and defended those who I saw being bullied.

People in high school who weren't victims or perpetrators of bullying were almost certainly bystanders, the problem being that pervasive in schools. Almost everyone witnesses bullying. Sometimes, someone speaks. Sometimes, someone will come to another person's defense, but, that's rare. I had close, lifelong friends who witnessed me being bullied and stood by without speaking. They were good, kind people, but terrified of provoking the bullies and creating enemies for themselves. Much research indicates that if we find a way to remove the bystander, we remove all of the bully's power. Bullying rarely happens without witnesses; that would defeat its purpose as a social tool.

Is it possible to overcome this issue? I really don't know. Can we teach empathy in a different way? What made me speak out for other kids being bullied was that I had been bullied myself, but had risen to a social position that meant it wasn't a threat for me anymore. Empathy was fundamentally what drove me, though. How do we create a climate where kids who are bullied are protected, but the bullies are supported as well? How do we remove bystanders? I wish I had answers. Instead, all I have are questions, all bundled inside the complex microcosm of the extremes of human nature that is high school.

Evil Alien Kitty

I currently live with a cat that might be an alien. I'm not kidding. Her eyes are bright green and in the sun her pupils go into little thin vertical slits that are disturbing as fuck, I kid you not. I apologize for the profanity, but how does no one else notice that this cat looks quite profoundly evil unless she has giant pupils that give her the illusion of innocence? Her sun-eyes also look like that of an alien. Or a snake. Neither are things I'd want in my home. Well, maybe if it was a cool alien, like Worf. I'd like Worf in my home.

I am not deceived by her cute demur attitude and tiny stature. I know that when everyone went home for Christmas, and the angel was left on top of the tree, someone was responsible for her unsafe plummet to her doom. I'm guessing her name starts with a T and ends with okyo.

I give you exhibit A)

Isn't that scary?

Now, in all honesty, I couldn't begin to guess how this cat managed to scale the tree and stalk the angel at the top, but... stop and picture her trying for a moment. I can imagine her hanging off the tree, stretching toward her saintly prey... if anyone could manage such a feat, it would be Tokyo. Now, how she managed to do so without knocking ANY other ornaments off the tree, I'll never know.

I long ago decided that the best way to address a house pet is as a sentient being who might be capable of understanding you. My problem with Tokes (her nickname), is not that I think she's a stupid cat who doesn't understand me, my problem is that I think she does. I think she understands a lot of what's going on, but she chooses not to behave accordingly; or worse, she intentionally sabotages a situation.

Exhibit B) The Proposal

So Tokyo is my roommate Chloe's cat. Chloe loves her a lot, as does her fiance Blake (who I stole this photo from. Thanks Blake). Back in November, Blake decided to enlist Tokyo's help in proposing to Chloe. Seriously? Would you trust THAT cat? With an engagement ring?! Well... he did. Blake and Tokyo practiced several times in order to get it right. Blake would leave the room, and come back in a bit, to find Tokyo sitting on the bed, looking up at him, wearing the ring. Of course, when the time came for Chloe to come to the door with Blake, Tokyo bolted. They had to chase her around the house to get the ring back so that Blake could properly propose. That cat knew exactly what was going on, and she had sabotage in her heart.

She wants you to think she's stupid, but make no mistake. The second you underestimate this cat, she will prove you all kinds of wrong. And not in a good way. The smart thing to do is maintain a healthy awareness of her capacity for destruction and her constant plotting of vengeance for imaginary wrongs. And, just as a precautionary measure, plot yourself some kitty vengeance as well. The best way to emotionally defeat a cat is to think like a cat. Unless she's an alien. Then I'm likely screwed.

Everyone wants to eat my tuna (salad)

So, I've been in a bit of a slump this week (sometimes January gets me down), and I decided that in order to cheer myself up, I would go to the St. Lawrence Market. As we all know, I love the farmer's market. It is relaxing and pleasant, and puts me in a solidly good mood. Today, as I perused the market, I decided I would treat myself to some exceptional sashimi grade tuna. From there, I put together a salad in my mind that would prove to be pretty much the best salad I've ever eaten. Ever. No exaggeration.

So, I thought I'd share it with you guys.

First, cough up the money for some exceptional sashimi grade tuna. The tuna steak I bought cost me $20 (for two meals worth of tuna), which was worth every penny. Then, I bought some baby greens fresh from the grower. Then, I picked up a perfect avocado and an atulfo mango. YUM. Along with cucumber and red pepper, that formed the basis of my salad. Every part made a greater whole.

I marinated my tuna steak for several hours (about 3 or 4 I think). I made a marinade with:

1 tsp sesame oil

juice of one lime

1/2 tbsp maple syrup

2 tsp mushroom soy sauce

3 cloves garlic

1/2 tbsp ginger

Later on, when you're ready to eat (this salad really only takes about 20 minutes to prepare), get out all your ingredients and have fun!

Step 1: Put your lovely fresh baby greens in a small pile on the plate. Use the cucumbers to contain the pile by slicing them thinly and placing them in a circle.

Step 2: Peel and slice an atulfo (yellow) mango. My awesome roommate Chloe introduced me to this type of mango, and I've never gone back. I was never terribly fond of mango. It is fibrous, and didn't have the most appealing flavour in the world. Atulfo mangos are heaven. Really. Yum. They are like yummy mango butter. Place your mango decoratively around the cucumber (one mango per salad, unless its huge, then use your judgement. Maybe half, in that case).

Cut your avocado in half (use one half per salad). This avocado was probably the most perfect avocado I've bought in a store in Canada (though it still doesn't quite reach the level of the avos in Chile. YUM). Slice your avo and arrange decoratively on the salad.

Thinly slice your red pepper (red pepper is probably my favourite vegetable), and arrange it decoratively on the salad. Doesn't this salad look kind of like an artistic interpretation of sunshine?

Ok, now for the cooking step. Heat a skillet on the stove until it gets very hot. I added a thin layer of sesame oil to the skillet. Pan sear your tuna steak for 20-30 seconds on both sides. It is supposed to be just cooked on the outside and still raw on the inside. mmmmm... Remove from the pan. Ask.com told me that tuna will continue to cook once out of the pan, so be very careful not to overcook your tuna. Don't be scared though. This was the first time I made really good tuna, and it turned out like heaven! Or, as my roommate said 'OMG Ashley, its like candy!' But not cause its sweet, because its that damn good!

I made a dressing out of sesame oil, rice wine vinegar, soy and maple syrup. If I had more lime, I would have used that too.

I added some pine nuts to the middle of the salad, laid out my tuna and dressed my yummy creation!

My gourmand sister says, 'first, the eye must feast', and indeed, this was not only the best salad I've ever tasted, but one of the prettiest too.

People often have a hate-on for salad as a meal. Clearly, they've never eaten this salad. One of my roommates has often said that she's not a fan of any salad but mine. I try to explain that there isn't a trick. She doesn't seem convinced. When I present a salad like this though, I realize that there is a trick: high quality ingredients, and the pleasure of creation.

Oh, and btw, a piece of sashimi grade tuna with a piece of atulfo mango and a piece of really good avocado produces a foodgasm. Prepare yourself. OMG its so good.

Ash+Christmas=Love

Hello internet ether! Guess what? I exist again! So, its been rather a long time since I've posted, I recognize. This is due to a number of factors. They are as follows:

1. Work has been too busy to spend half an hour writing a blog post in the middle of the day (yeah, I do that sometimes).
2. Since I've moved into a new place with roommates (hooray!) I no longer feel the need to sit alone in my room and write. I have actual real live friends to hang out with every night!
3. I've been crocheting up a STORM with the impending winter and Christmas season.
4. I haven't had any batteries in my camera to take pictures of the awesome stuff I've made recently. And there's been lots!

Oh, which brings me to my reason for posting today: Christmas! I really love Christmas. I completely blame my parents, though my grandparents were definitely co-conspirators in the creation of my Christmas addiction. Its just such a happy/pretty/loving time of year. I'm not even a religious person, I just love everything about it. Ok! Its list time again! Here are my

favourite things about Christmas:

10. The smell of clementines. Mmmm... I love how

in November or so, people start buying boxes of

clementines, and bringing them into work, and they

just smell SO good when you peel one open. I also am very fond of trying to keep the peels all in one piece like my sis and I used to do when we were kids.

9. Kids in snowsuits. Man, I just love how kids look in snowsuits. They are just so ready for fun and excitement! They know what's going on. I also love that they can't really put their arms down completely. Its pretty funny. I frequently wis

h I had snow pants on so I could just bust out a random snow angel on the way home from work. Just sayin'. Perhaps I'm also just reminded of Ralphie in a Christmas story l... 'I can't put my arms down!!!!' Classic.

8. This segues quite nicely to Christmas movies! I adore a good Christmas movie. Its important to recognize, of course, that not all Christmas movies are created equal. You've got your classic Christmas, 'Its a Wonderful Life, and 'A Miracle on 34th St.', Then, there are the Christmas cartoons, Rudolph, Frosty, a Charlie Brown Christmas, and Polar Express. There is a special category for Christmas comedies, of which the ultimate #1 best is certainly 'Elf,' but National La

mpoon and A Christmas story get honourable mention for being classics. And of course, my favourite Christmas movie of all time, a special shout out to the 'Muppet's Christmas Carol'. When they sing 'It Feels Like Christmas...' my heart sings too. Incidentally, this was also my late grandpa's favourite movie ever. He had good taste.

7. The Christmas Miracle. Anyone who's ever watched 'The Days of Our Lives', know that Christmas is a special time for miracles! Magical things happen at Christmas. I recently

lost my brand new iPhone, and a random person found it on the street and returned it to me! She used my sim card to track me down and called my service provider who gave her my email address. Crazy. That is a Christmas miracle. But, there are better ones too! Chloe singing on Days and waking up her mom was pretty awesome! Ooh, and when it snowed in Sunnydale, so the sun couldn't rise and Angel couldn't kill himself, and Buffy and Angel could spend Christmas morning together hand in hand in the streets full of fake snow. Does anyone else ever wonder how fake snow on TV shows and movies looks so OBVIOUSLY fake? Aren't effects better than that these days?

Freshly fallen snow doesn't look like that. But it sure was a great Christmas episode!

6. This brings me to... Christmas TV episodes! I love a nice Christmas special, and there have been a few standouts in my mind over the years. The above Buffy ep is pretty great (and also introduces the first

storyline WAY back in season 3 which is only there for one ep and then becomes the main story for season 7. Brilliant. Gotta love Joss.) A wicked ep was on the super cheese show Roswell, when Max saved ALL the kids in the cancer ward because he was being haunted by the spirit of a man he killed. I also love 'Laurelai's sense of Snow' on the Gilmore Girls, when Luke has to help Laurelai reconcile with snow... But, my VERY favourite Christmas episode is the 'My So Called Life' Christmas ep, when Ricky was being abused *so sad* and Angela befriends a homeless girl who turns out to be an angel. SO SO SO great! I think I'll watch it tonight!!!!

5. Christmas Music! Man I love Christmas songs! I love singing them, I love hearing them in the mall, I love having them on my iPod accompanying me to work! I love the classic Christmas carols, like O Holy Night, Silent Night, Little Town of Bethlehem, Angels we Have Heard on High, and so many more... But, I also adore the Christmas cheese like 'Do They Know Its Christmas Time', and 'Last Christmas', which was recently voted the worst Christmas song of all time. I love it all. Every Christmas, my extended family used to get tog

ether and sing carols. Eventually this just became the 12 days of Christmas. In recent years we haven't sung at all. Maybe I'll rectify that this year!

4. Christmas traditions. I am known in my family as the Christmas traditionalist. I love the little traditions that go along with the big ones. In my family we always play 'Sesame Street Christmas' on the turntable (pretty much the only day of the year the turntable gets used), when we decorate the tree. I love that. I love that Michelle, Grandma and I always break the bread for the stuffing right after presents. I love that we open Pyjamas every Christmas eve, so that we can wear our new PJs for the pictures the next day. I love all the small rituals that make the whole.

3. Snow and twinkle lights/snow falling in the streetlight. I know I know its terrible to travel in, but snow is just SOOOO pretty. I really love it. I love when it falls, and I can see it coming down so peacefully in the streetlight. I love when people put twinkle lights on their trees or bushes,

and then snow falls on top of it, and it makes a little lit upsnow-dome. I love snow. It makes me happy, peaceful, and feels like magic. For me, the first day the snow stays on the ground is the official first day of Christmas. I'll never forget the first day of Christmas in first year, where we took the screen out of the window, and the snow fell into the room, and we sang Christmas carols with people who could actually sing in harmony. SO pretty.

2. Turkey dinner. You only ever are going to make turkey dinner when you're feeding a ton

of people. Its elaborate and delicious, and happens pretty much just twice a year. If you're doing a turkey dinner, it takes a whole day of preparations and effort. Everyone loves it, and everyone comes together for it. I've done turkey dinner for thanksgiving several times, but always as potluck. This was the first year I did the whole dinner myself. GO me! It was for my Christmas kick off tree decorating party, and every part of that was awesome.

And the number 1 reason I love Christmas...

1. Love. Christmas is all about love and generosity. Its about generosity to strangers and loved ones as well. People are more charitable, more forgiving, more willing to express how they feel about each other. My family always gets a little tipsy at Christmas which leads to 45 toasts about how much we all love each other. I love searching for the perfect gift for someone, and seeing them open it on Christmas morning. I loved all the Christmas stories that were read to us with love, and that when my grandfather could no longer see well, I read to him. I love the solidity of family at Christmas, and the knowledge that even when we're apart, we're together in our hearts. There is truly nothing better.

Merry Christmas, everyone! XOXO

Packing Schmacking

You know what sucks? Packing. Not packing for a lovely holiday. That can be fun. You download the customizable universal packing list (seriously, do this, it totally rocks), and pick out some pretty outfits and buy some new sunscreen. No, I'm talking about packing an apartment to move. Yep, its a universal truth, moving is one of those things that pretty much everyone loathes. Piles of boxes, extensive purging of items, organizing, bending, lifting, house in disarray. Its miserable.

But you know what else is miserable? Living in one of the worst neighbourhoods in Toronto. Two years ago, when I moved into my place I didn't know quite how sketchy the area was. I knew it was a bit rough, but I also knew that since I literally had one day to find a place to live, thanks to my Dad's screw-up, I likely wasn't going to do much better. My priorities were to be walking distance from work, and to pay less than $1000 inclusive for a one bedroom with a balcony in downtown Toronto. I found that. I also got the bonus of a pool.

However, I also got the experience of living a half a block away from the mission. I've witnessed drug deals and hooking, arrests for various types of offenses. In two years I walked outside my apartment after 10pm by myself twice. I was very careful. I learned that certain streets are safter to walk on than others, and certain sides of the street are better as well. But, I also learned a lot of different things. After awhile, you come to know and recognize a neighbourhood, and the people within it, as they recognize you. People in my area face all sorts of mental health challenges, of abject poverty, or drug addiction. I came to understand these issues a lot more, and much of my fear was broken down. I was still careful, but more conscious of the reality of the situation.

That being said, the building itself was pretty terrible. It has the most terrifying elevators you've ever encountered. Ok, maybe second most. Its a rough ride. The doors get stuck. I once was stuck in an elevator, and I had some nachos and salsa, and a couple girls in there had a 12 pack of beer, and we were like, "well, at least we can have a party if we don't get out". A minute later the elevator started up again. The man who was in the elevator expressed his disappointment that the elevator party didn't pan out. Amusingly, the elevators in my building are something of community builders. An elevator is broken, and you're standing in the hall, getting progressively later for work, and more and more people come and join you, having a common focus to bitch about caused people to talk to each other more. Raging at the building that has so many fire alarms that no one takes them seriously and actually evacuates during them is better done in concert with your neighbours.

Anyway, I am mightily pleased to be leaving my building, but packing, packing sucks. Putting your life into boxes and taking stock of the things you have to tie you down, getting sweaty and sometimes dirty, and realizing that you keep stupid things from time to time (like 27 mismatched socks. WHY? WHY???). Hauling and moving and worrying about the timing and logistics, its just not fun.

What should be fun is my new place. I'm going to be living with friends again, which will be a very nice update from living alone. I've enjoyed living alone, but I think that my new place will have a great balance. It will be in a far better neighbourhood with people I really enjoy and no more elevators or fire alarms. And, I'll admit, no longer living next door to the mission will be a lovely side bonus as well.

But booooo packing.